The process…

1.      Recognizing the patterns

Patterns, unique to everyone, must be decoded. This is the prerequisite to take control of the situation before being trapped in the spiral of toxic thoughts.

2.      Acknowledgment

Because it requires vulnerability, acknowledging toxic thoughts is a difficult step to overcome. Talking about them to someone trustworthy will have an immediate cathartic effect. It is also a tacit commitment to address the issue. But this is only midway.

3.      Articulation

To deal with the thought effectively, it is essential to spend some time analyzing what is troubling you. The thoughts shall be translated into a concise problem statement and written down before getting to the last step. As the toxic thoughts are now on paper, they do not need to be on your mind anymore.

4.      Judgment & sentence

Are those thoughts true, false, or yet to be clarified? As you judge your thoughts, you finally take control over the situation. You translate something intangible into a set of actionable decisions. At that point, you should not be stuck with your toxic thoughts anymore.

My story…

How many times did i take back home my middle manager's frustration?

I will be honest with you (and with myself), far too many.

I have about an hour to commute from the office to home. Most of the days, this is enough to process the main information, tasks, and situations from the workday. I file them in my “brain folders.” When I arrive home, I am ready to be “dad,” I am ready to be “honey.”

But sometimes, the hour commuting back home is not enough.

Two fundamental issues might keep resonating in the back of my head:

• A task: a report to write, an email to send, minutes of meeting to document, a meeting to prepare… This is quite transactional. That might be a slight disturbance, but usually, I can park that easily. I know I just need to set some time aside to get it done, later in the evening when the kids are asleep, or the next day.

• A thought: something would have triggered me during the day. What triggers me might not have the same impact on someone else. Indeed, what triggers us is very personal as it links to our values. As an example, If I see harmony as a value, I will be triggered by a situation or a person’s behavior that will disrupt the balance in the group.

I am prone to overanalyze situations where I have felt triggered. And therefore, while the task will not impede my ability to be “myself” at home, what I call a toxic thought can debilitate me.

Recognizing the patterns

For a long time, I was oblivious to toxic thoughts. Being at home and totally absorbed by work related issues and frustrations was just a consequence of having a job. This was normal. But this normality had an impact on the people who had nothing to do with my job and should not be affected by it.

The first step has been to recognize that bringing back work related challenges at home (in the form of toxic thought) was an issue. With the experience, I have become aware of the patterns, the precursors.

Like values, patterns are personal. Mine usually go like this…

As I drive back home, I replay over and over a situation that triggered me during the day. I do not only replay it, but I also picture tenth of scenario around it; what I should have said then, how I should have said it, how I should have reacted… And then I play other scenarios where, like Walter Mitty, I get my revenge from the frustration I have endured that day. But, obviously, as nothing of that is real, my brain is now locked in an endless spiral of thoughts, thoughts now becoming toxic.

As I arrive home, I can be pretty “deep” in this parallel universe I created out of nothing. I step into the house, put my back bag on the floor in the entrance, remove my jacket and my shoes. I hear in the background the kids playing, teasing each other. I change my clothes if I wore a suit that day. I delay the moment I need to be with the family on the main room. Deep inside of me, I would like to stay alone as long as possible so I can continue playing those scenarios in my head. And conveniently, alone, I do not have to pretend; I do not have to pay attention to my body language.

As this stage, my resistance to any kind of stress is already close to nothing. But strangely, I can still be oblivious of what is happening.

As I get to the main room, my partner greets me. I am slightly annoyed because the kids are too loud. They might come to me and ask to play or draw something, but I will find an excuse not to do it. My partner, who is also middle manager, faces too challenges. But contrary to me, she does not keep anything to herself. She would share her observations of the day, and more than once, her frustrations. I will not react; I will just listen. But I am not mentally present. I am locked in my toxic thoughts spiral.

Years ago, the only way this typical situation would have ended, would have been by showing my temper at the next contrariety… This is stupid of me and unfair to my close ones.

Acknowledging the toxic thoughts

Do not get me wrong, I still get locked in toxic thoughts. But I am much better at recognizing the patterns, and most importantly, I acknowledge the toxic thoughts.

The first real step was to accept that I was not as mentally tough as I thought. I am permeable to frustrations. It takes time, maturity, and self-awareness to be vulnerable. Once I understood and accepted that it was “ok” to get locked in toxic thoughts, the next step has been to verbalise it.

Earlier, I would have been in denial, finding every excuse to hide the fact that I was not in the right mental state. This takes courage and practice, but I would now say aloud that I am struggling with work related thoughts that I brought back from work.

This does not resolve the inner conflict or frustration I am experiencing, but to my family, to my partner, there is a reason for my moody demeanour. By opening, I also make a tacit commitment to address whatever thought I am struggling with. Saying how I feel, even if it does not resolve the issues, has a cathartic effect that should not be neglected. Passed that point, it is easier for me to temporarily park whatever troubles me, and focus on the moment, focus on my family, be dad, be honey.

Articulating the toxic thoughts

Acknowledging my toxic thoughts and not doing anything afterwards would be stopping midway. I have developed a process that has proven to be helpful – at least to me.

Since I started journaling, it became natural to write about those toxic thoughts.

To start with, I isolate the thoughts from the noise. I try to be as specific as possible when I write about them: the context, the stakeholders, what it triggered in me, why I believe this could be an issue in the future… I am not drafting a novel, but I want to get down to two or three sentences. Once I am satisfied with what I would call the “problem statement,” I perform the “court of thoughts.”

“Judging and sentencing” the toxic thoughts

Once the thoughts are on paper, it becomes easier for me to look at them rationally and not emotionally.

In the “court of thoughts,” I will “judge” if my thoughts are false, true or if I do not know. If I “judge” my thoughts as false, that means they are not worth keeping them spinning in the back of my head. I file them in my “processed” folder. 

If I “judge” my thoughts are true, I will address them with an action plan: drafting a proposal, proactively engaging with a stakeholder, planning for mitigation or contingency… The important is to act. The toxic thoughts are translated from an emotional mode to a transactional one. It is just something I must do.

If I am unsure if my thoughts are true or false, I will decide if I need to clarify something or file them in the “processed” folder.

This process has been surprisingly effective. Not only acknowledging the toxic thoughts has been helpful, for me and my family, but processing them in writing has been a real game changer. As my toxic thoughts are on paper, there are not in my head anymore. It is a simplistic explanation but proven to be effective.

This process has another collateral effect. It helps focusing on what I can act upon. It would be a waste of time and energy to try fixing something I do not have influence on. When I come to the realization that I cannot do anything to fix a toxic thought, I will file in my “processed” folder. Then, I am fully focused on what is in my realms of possibility.

Finally, another key lesson learned is that, once processed logically and rationally, I figured that most of my toxic thoughts are false. That is how I deal with them.