My fear of rejection can still be very powerful.

As I eluded on in my article on aggressiveness, I developed some coping mechanisms during my childhood.

As a kid, I firmly believed that I was the reason for the regular arguments between my parents. I was deeply convinced of a direct correlation between my behavior – and by extension, the disappointment that my behavior could cause – and the frequent household rumbles.

At the age of 13, we had already moved three times across the country, and I was at the dawn of five years of boarding school. I always felt the need to fit in, and I did it by excelling at adapting myself to new environment, culture, or people.

As you try to fit in, and you become an expert at being a social chameleon, you tend to slightly lose yourself, numb or smoothen the edges of your personality.

This does come at a cost.

As you give up part of you, you expect in return some of sort of acceptance from your counterparts.

Consequently, I have associated what I perceive as rejection from others with the consequences of a disappointment I could exert on them. This triggers deeply unpleasant emotions – a mix of unexpected and unfair fear and sadness.

I know this mechanism is deeply ingrained in my brain.

I have always worked hard not to disappoint and to keep the harmony around me.

The drawback of that is that anything I perceive as rejection can be incredibly difficult to manage emotionally.

The fear of disappointing and the fear of being rejected still have this powerful, deep, and highly unpleasant effect on me.

A harmless remark could suddenly feel as a threat, with an exponential effect at the light of my emotional prism.

What is happening in me in those cases?

As the fear of rejection kicks in, my stomach sinks. I start losing focus. My conscious mind is jammed by the emotions. I cannot develop my thoughts anymore – eloquence and repartee are now down the drain. I may start to engage in a child-parent type of relationship. I mitigate what I perceive as a threatening situation by becoming a pleaser. In the aftermath, I will keep a disgusting aftertaste of self-disappointment, knowing that I could have done better, just reinforcing my self-limiting beliefs.

How does fear of rejection relate to middle management?

Leaders from the middle must engage and interact with the widest range of stakeholders in an organization. In this context, a multitude of scenarios could be considered. I would like to give you three examples.

• Communication upwards – I believe this is the first vivid case in my career that I can remember. I was asked by a Commercial Director to write a few paragraphs for a prequalification document. He was not my line manager and was not one of my regular stakeholders. But I suppose my boss, back then, probably agree with him that I could help. We had a few standard documents we were supposed to use for this purpose. The idea was to use them as template and tailor them as needed. Which I did. For some reasons, the document I sent to this Commercial Director had a formatting mistake. There was a blank page between two of the paragraphs I edited. That alone caused one of the most dramatic feedback sessions I ever experienced. A bad one. I remember his body language, his look, and how much he insisted about the poor quality of my work. Yes, it was old school. But with only 2 years of experience in my first job, this was a hard one to take. I was totally unprepared to handle this specific moment. I felt so bad, about myself, about the situation… I probably felt that it was the end… I went up to a coffee break room to wipe a few tears, making sure no one saw me in that state. I felt like a little boy. Once I felt better, I shared my experience with a manager I could trust. He quickly helped me to get a grip on myself. I edited the document, and I sent it back. I have never heard about the Commercial Director afterwards. I moved on. But since then, I have always been very careful about the quality of my deliverables. There is a degree of subjectivity that comes along with each leader I have met. They are all different, they all have very specific expectations, sometimes diametrically opposed. In essence, it was certainly not all about me. But it was an awful moment to go through. I have reflected over this moment many times. I have always wondered how someone without fear of rejection would have managed this situation. Who knows… Would have they learn something? Would have they been more successful?

• Communication sideways – A leader from the middle must constantly engage with stakeholders across the organization and departments. As change becomes continuous, the need for alignment is more frequent. Very often, it entails changing ways of working, scopes of responsibility, which means entering sometimes challenging and difficult discussions. I thrive through change. This is an aspect of my job I really enjoy. But every now and then, I get caught by surprise in those difficult discussions. While presenting an idea, concept, or proposing a set of recommendations, the fear of rejection will kick in when I will feel some opposition, reluctance, or any kind of cues affiliated to disagreement: Why do I need to change? What do you want exactly to change? What is in it for me? This is just fluff… I suppose you get the picture. And to be honest, those questions are all relevant and valid. The problem when you suffer from fear of rejection, you get stuck to this initial reading of the situation. Instead of simply answering those questions as they come, the emotions take over and your ability to debate or simply articulate your thoughts is hampered. If you can’t get over this uncomfortable moment, the rest of the conversation will most likely not get better. This might even just reinforce your beliefs, and possibly seriously put your project or initiative at risk.

• Applying for a new role – I worked in different companies over my career. I have applied for tens of jobs, externally and internally. Among all of those, some were important to me, some of them even critical as I was at a turning point of my career and/or my private life. The successful ones led me where I am today. But there have been many unsuccessful ones along the way. When you apply for a job outside your organization, I have always managed to rationalize and accept the rejection. Though I have been deeply disappointed on a few occasions, it has always been easy to move on. Internal recruitments are the tough ones. Given my willingness to fit in, getting a “thank you, but no thank you” by one of your colleagues is always a more difficult one to swallow. Nonetheless, it is a selective process. With some years of experience under my belt, I now understand that I shall trust the decision of the hiring manager. Their responsibility is to find the best internal candidate for the greater good of company. There is nothing personal. But when you suffer from fear of rejection, this simple fact will be easily obscured by your emotions.

Where do we take it from there?

I am still today subject from fear of rejection. But I developed a few taming techniques.

I think the first step for me has been, once more, to recognize the patterns. Experiencing deep discomfort and not feeling good about yourself because you tend to feel rejected is not “normal” and rightfully so, something must be done about it.

It took me years to realize what I was experiencing. It is not easy to admit you have weaknesses. I am not even sure the explanation I came up with is the right one, but it is a start. When I feel the emotions taking over, I can now make a choice on how to move forward.

Even if this totally cliché, pausing, taking a short break, and simply deeply breathing is a great starter. If you do that effectively, that should be enough to give you back a bit more clarity in your thinking process, and with practice, it will go unnoticed by your stakeholders.

You cannot and should not be in survival mode at work. This is unhealthy and unsustainable in the long run.

Another cliché: confront yourself with your fears.

You have the choice to reframe what you perceive as a threat into a challenge and even an opportunity. As mentioned earlier, all the questions and comments you receive during a difficult conversation are valid. In the work context, none of those are personal. In the heat of the moment, providing that you have managed to get a hold on yourself by pausing, I would suggest starting writing on paper – or computer as you like. Break down the points that are being made one by one and write your answers. Once it is your turn to speak, simply read what you wrote. It might be a bit cumbersome, but again, with some practice, this can be seamlessly and unnoticed. Some of your stakeholders might even appreciate that you take time to address their concerns, by doing it thoroughly and thoughtfully.

I have used the word “unnoticed”. Why? Assuming the situation is already difficult to handle, you might not want to show more vulnerability.

It is also about reframing. What I experience as a threat could also be taken as feedback. What a better way to self-reflect and continuously develop your communication skills or whatever relevant self-leadership tools is at stake? Feedback is not the topic for this blog post, but embracing feedback and reframing what is perceived as an adverse situation to the possibility of getting better at your craft can really be a game changer. Embracing feedback means that you have accepted not to be on a defensive mode. I do not mean that everything that is delivered as feedback should be acted upon, but the response to it should not be experienced as something negative. That way, when you start to be under the fire of many questions and challenges, you shift your attitude from feeling threatened to scanning for improvement opportunities. Next time you give the same presentation, or you address the same stakeholders, you will be much better prepared, which should significantly increase the threshold to fear of rejection.

As fear of rejection is often based on emotions and not on concrete facts, I became better at clarifying on-the-go the cues I would receive from my stakeholders. Do they have concerns? What are those? Do I understand their position correctly and sufficiently? What are their own fears? That alone helped me more than I could imagine when I first started to confront myself with my fear of rejection.

Those taming techniques are what I have done (and still do) alone.

If you can find someone you trust and can help you going through the steps I listed above, this is of course even better. Taking the first jump is most likely the hardest thing to do, so having someone by your side will be helpful.

Why does this matter when you are a leader from the middle?

In my case, my first concern is that I do not want to hamper my team members growth by my own self-limiting beliefs. I must always be careful not to project my fear onto them.

By “letting go”, I have more than once been inspired by the way my colleagues handle situations that I would consider as typical threatening ones.

Since I have been “there”, I can also share my experience with those who are also subject to fear of rejection. Think when you were a kid: weren’t you more daring to face your fears together with a friend than being alone? Team up, positively challenge each other, debrief, and grow together. This can be rewarding and powerful.

Do you experience fear of rejection?  

Come and share it on The Middle Management Anonymous Agora, our podcast!

You can also contact me directly and engage with The Middle Management Anonymous community!

As always, I will be happy to get your comments and feedback.